At War With Myself

I spent two nights with a demon, and one night with La Santa Muerta, and I overcame it.

Jennifer Estes

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Photo by Armando Pacheco on Unsplash

I met Jack two weeks ago. He was nice, he seemed real in a world full of fakes. He said all the right things. His actions showed all the right things. After three dates I decided to spend the night with him. The connection we had was energetic, the sex was very tantric, extremely passionate, and very much my style. Almost like we were the same person spiritually. Grieving for one year and eight months it was nice to feel alive and loved. Yet I felt guilty; I still have pictures of Tom everywhere, and I am still grieving. So conflicted inside, I decided to spend another night with Jack. The same passion as before only better because it wasn’t as new as the first time. We were getting closer, or so it seemed.

On day three I used my morning meditation and journaling time to process the guilt. Talking to Tom, asking for his blessings, and doing my best to process in my brain how to move on. Having lost my soul mate to death, I am still here. I have to live on. Yet I don’t want to, I want him to come for me, I want to join him. I know he wants me to be happy, and I know he wants me to move on, but actually doing it is so hard! I commit to try and move forward.

Jack comes over that evening and is acting different. We eat dinner, and he says “I think I’ll go home” and I say “Okay…I don’t want you to but if that's what you want to do” and he leaves. I can feel it in the energy that he is not coming back ever. I am angry at myself for falling for his games.

The moon is days away from being full and I have so much more healing to process. I have been on a spiritual journey of healing for almost 3 years. I decided it was a mushroom tea and full moon ceremony night. A perfect opportunity to sit with me and my abandonment wounds. To process the guilt, the grief, the extreme loss, and the embarrassment of the last two weeks.

I made a cup of hot peppermint tea, added a very strong portion of mushrooms, and a tiny bit of lavender honey. I sat alone with a meditation playing in the background. I meditated the best I could but my mind was filled with so many thoughts. I chased them off the best I could and by the end of the mediation, I finished off the tea, ate…

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Jennifer Estes

I am a widow, a mortician, a mom, and grandma. I write about grief, caregiving, substance use disorder, and the death care industry.