I Am Not Okay

I promised you I would be okay. How do I keep that promise when my life has been shattered into a million pieces?

I thought I knew grief. I take that back. I knew grief, but nothing like this. Losing your person is grief on a whole new level. You not only lose the person you love with all your heart: your best friend, lover, soul mate, confidant, and partner in crime. You lose your life as you know it.

Bedtime is a whole new ritual. The bed is so empty and lonely. Tears are plentiful and every night is restless. Waking up all night long, to realize once again, it’s real, he really is gone.

In the morning, my arm traces the empty space, as more tears flow.

Our morning routine of shared coffee, morning kisses, and watching the news together is now just the cat and me. There is no news watching, no morning kiss, and different coffee.

Going to work is different. Meals are different. What to watch on TV is different. The silence in the house is different.

Losing the person you share a life with is losing half of yourself. Everything needs to be redefined. My place in the scheme of everything has changed.

Simple things like an oil change can turn an okay day into a curled-up in bed sobbing uncontrollably day. Being with family and friends is all new. It’s no longer you as part of the couple. It’s just you.

Sit with the emotions, allow them to be, and allow them to pass. Try to infuse grief emotions with love. Talk…