Thank You Sorrow
I woke up at 5 am, unable to go back to sleep, I got up. Happy Thanksgiving I say to Luna as I give her the kitty breakfast I opened. I decided to lay on the couch with a guided meditation playing instead of my usual sitting meditation. Eventually, I fell asleep and began dreaming. I was in my house, it was the same but different. I realized I hadn’t tried to call Tom in the 3 plus years he has been gone. As I lay there looking at my phone, thinking. Tom is far, far away. He can’t use his phone. I moved all my stuff out. When he comes back it’s over. Why did I move all my stuff? I tried to call him, shaking from the realization. The phone wouldn’t work. My mind racing, why did I do this, why did he let me do this? Would he answer? Why hadn’t I at least tried to call him? I was so upset I was shaking. Giving up on my phone I went looking for my work phone, it’s an older, more simple one. I find it and dial the number, realizing it’s over, he is gone. I let out a loud sob. The sound wakes me up.
I lay there for a minute, realizing it’s just a dream. I think about it, always analyzing my dreams. I can’t stop the tears or the sobs. I lay there crying, analyzing, for a few minutes. I realize three things. First, I have a deep abandonment wound left by my dad. Second, that wound was re-opened, my heart and soul cut deeply and shattered by Tom’s death. Third, I recently started dating a guy who has me feeling alone…
